#MomLife: To my daughter

Here I am pictured with my daughter Cadence (middle) and niece Emma Leszczewski (right) waiting in line at a concert in Chicago last December.

#MomLife

Any views or opinions expressed in “#MomLife” are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the Watershed Voice staff or its board of directors.

Twelve years ago I gave birth to my beautiful, funny, talented, sassy daughter Cadence. Leif and I tried for 18 months before we were blessed with her and she has been the light of my life since the minute I found out I was pregnant. 

Cadence is my best friend. Cadence is a carbon copy of me. She is one of my favorite people and the one that can frustrate me the most because we are the same person. Cadence is my “typical” child who has an autistic brother. 

And sometimes I feel like I have failed her. 

Since the day she was born she has been my life. Every ounce of my energy has been spent making sure she lives a full and happy life and that she never needs anything because Leif and I have always provided her with everything. She was an only child for three years before her brother was born. When Nathan was born I wanted to make sure she knew she was important and loved, and an equal to the new baby who was taking up more of my time. 

And then Nathan was diagnosed with Autism. 

He required more of my time and energy. He required special circumstances to the normal rules and routines she was accustomed to. He required more of me. So where does that leave her?

Has Cadence now been permanently put on the sideline while her brother is on the field? Have I failed to give her an equal amount of me as I have given Nathan? How do I juggle a typical child and a non-typical child equally? Is it even possible?

At times I feel like I have failed Cadence because once I am finished giving Nathan everything that he needs there is often not much left to give her. I take advantage of the fact that she is 12-years-old and capable of doing most things for herself. She is pretty independent but at the same time I forget she is only 12 and still a child and she still needs her mom.

She is often the one who has to make sacrifices, and I fear that in the future she is going to resent me and her brother because her life is different because she is the older sister of a special needs sibling. I think when we hear about a special needs person we automatically think about the person living with it, and then we think about the parents caring for the child but we seldom think about the siblings who are directly affected by it.

How do we as parents care and nurture them and make sure they know they are equally special and important and loved and cared for? Where does the energy come from once I have used it all up caring for Nathan? How do I make sure she knows I am always here for her no matter how neglected she feels? 

This process, this life change has been the most difficult thing I have ever experienced, and I am learning every day. It is trial and error, I will fail and I will succeed and then I will probably fail again. 

I want to end this today by telling Cadence I am sorry if she feels I have failed her. I am going to make it a priority to remind myself she still needs me and I still need her, and I hope there will never come a time where she sits back and thinks about how she wishes her mother had been there more. I hope she always knows how sorry I am for not being able to give her 100 percent but also that every day I am trying and that’s really all I can do at this point.

I love you Cadence and I promise to listen next time you want to tell me something, even when it isn’t convenient.

Steph Hightree is a hot mess mom who is fueled by stress and too much caffeine. She is a Three Rivers native who talks about the good, the bad, and well, everything else about parenthood.