Tuesday, December 31 was one of the happiest days of my life. My husband and I were visiting my family in Pennsylvania for the Christmas holiday season, and I noticed I was feeling unwell. A quick trip to the local grocery store and a few minutes later I was staring at that faint second pink line which confirmed what I already suspected. 

I was pregnant. 

My husband and I were over the moon with excitement, but we decided to wait and share the news with friends and loved ones until we confirmed everything with our doctor. Right away I was thinking of all the exciting things a child brings: laughter, hope, creativity, new ideas and perspectives, sharing things we love with them, etc. I had expected to have a normal time of adjusting to and enjoying pregnancy, but unfortunately my joy at the news of my child was quickly dampened. 

Shortly after we found out I was pregnant I noticed more on the news about a new deadly pandemic sweeping across China. This disease called Coronavirus, or COVID-19, was a potentially deadly respiratory virus that was highly contagious and was killing people in the thousands. I admit that I was aloof about most of the early days of COVID-19 because I kept thinking of how there was an ocean between me and China, that surely our federal government would be preparing everything in case things did get bad, and of course I was surrounded by memes that talked about how more people die each year from the flu and obesity than this new virus. 

Unfortunately, COVID-19 soon came to the United States and we all found out how terribly unprepared we were. The federal government had not been preparing supplies, states were having to compete against one another just for basic hospital supplies like N-95 masks, citizens began turning on one another over how serious or not they felt COVID-19 was, and before long states were going into lockdown mode limiting travel and many other activities. In addition to that I was trying to adjust to prenatal vitamins, how I needed to be eating while pregnant, trying to get into appointments to make sure my baby was healthy, and of course enjoying all the lovely symptoms like morning sickness that can come with pregnancy. 

Being pregnant in a world of COVID-19 is not what I, nor any soon to be or new mother intended. I fully intended to simply go about my work as a Lutheran Pastor until maternity leave, get to visit with family and friends who could walk with me and help me learn about pregnancy, celebrate with loved ones and my church community at baby showers, etc. Instead my pregnancy has been spent practicing social distancing, having my husband run errands so I am not around large numbers of people, going to baby appointments alone, having to miss out on many of the normal pregnancy rituals like baby showers, and of course wondering all the time whether or not I will have to give birth all alone in the hospital without even my husband to support me.  

Sadly, in many ways instead of pulling together as a country and as a community COVID-19 has served only to bring out the worst in many people. The most disturbing part for me has been seeing people who have such disregard for the safety of others during this time of the COVID-19 health crisis. Every person who refuses to wear as mask when around others, every person who hoards vital cleaning supplies or groceries, or whenever I see people armed head to toe with military style weapons entering the State Capitol and threatening to kill leaders who won’t reopen everything, serve to remind me just how little many care about the lives of others including that of my baby. 

Though things seem to be slowly improving I am keeping my optimism in check with reality. I am hopeful that by late August when my baby is due to come into the world, I will be able to have both my husband and birthing doula with me so I can have the vital support I need. 

I also find hope in the many companies around the world trying to create a vaccine so that I can make sure my baby will always be safe from COVID-19. Yet until a proven tested vaccine and effective treatment are here, COVID-19 will be in the United States permanently.

As August draws closer, I will continue to let myself dream of my baby and their future. I will continue to sing and read to my baby, and remind them that though this world can be dark and filled with selfish people, it also has real beauty and self-giving people as well. I will continue to pray for the health and safety of my baby and all soon to be mothers across the world who are facing the same challenges, or deeper ones, than I am. As scary as COVID-19 is I refuse to let it destroy the joy of the miracle and mystery that motherhood is.

Nikki Smith serves as Pastor of Lutheran Church of the Savior in Kalamazoo. She lives with her husband Pastor James Smith, who serves at St. John & Trinity Episcopal in Three Rivers, and two cats named Doc and Benedict. They are expecting their first child in August. Nikki is a fan of Penn State and Notre Dame football, taking walks around Three Rivers, gardening, and buying far too many books at Lowry’s.